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An Interview with Paul Bunyan

Ladies and Gentlemen of the fat-bike community, we are proud to present an interview with northwoods legend –

Mr. Paul Bunyan.

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How is life treating you Paul?

Life is good: birds are chirping, trees are falling, axes are swinging. I can’t complain- its hard to remember the last morning I didn’t fill my belly with flapjacks. I just moved to a swanky new warehouse because you have to keep in mind  – I’m as tall as a tree. I wish I could live in a regular cabin, but being this freakishly big has its limitations. Then you get all these kids with their new smartphones and to be totally honest – I really want one, except I can’t use one. My fingers are as thick as tree branches, and that’s on a good day. But I have a new fat-bike and had these ironic hipster spectacles made custom – so like I said……I can’t complain.

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Is it true that you’ve traded your blue ox in for a fat-bike?

Well, don’t let Babe hear you phrase it like that, she gets sensitive.  I just think of it as giving the ole’ girl a break.  Her joints don’t much cotton to all the boulders up here, so I decided to take a little load off of her back. Babe is still quite mentally strong and will be conducting a ten month tour of talking engagements at university campus’s across the US and Canada.

What made you make the decision to switch from an ox to a fat-bike?

Like I said, partly for Babe’s health, and partly because I just love smashing through boulder fields.  The ability to ride through or over everything makes travel easy up nortt.  Samsquantch don’t tend to mess with me either, they hear me coming and run for cover.  Oh man….Excuse me,… but don’t you just love when you find syrup from the morning, left in your beard?  Anyways, heck, just the other day I cleared a 52 foot log pile, my biggest yet. My fat-bike just waits patiently, and rolls over anything. It ain’t stubborn or superstitious like some old Blue skinned ungulates that I know!

I’m sure the folks at home would love to know what kind of rig, a north woods celebrity, like you, rides. Tell us about your Fat-Ride.

She’s big! I mean, you’ve seen them monster trucks with huge tires at the Manitoba Provincial Fair? This puts them to shame, and I got the boots to match HAHAHAHAHA! – (echoes through valleys, flushing a huge  flock of waterfowl). I was approached by several companies that wanted to make me a custom fat bike. The frame is Steel, just like my trusty ax! I love how it rides. all supple and yielding. I ain’t no granola type, but I will say it has surprisingly low impact on the ‘environment’.  You just don’t see many seventy-two inch  fat-bikes out there so I called in a couple of friends to build me up a ‘one of a kind’ woods whacker.  Rack mounts were a must so I could carry the morning’s bacon supply- 45 lbs.  Another thing I needed was the ability to hold my giant ax on the bike…. I never go anywhere without my ax.  I had the guys at K-edge, CNC me up this nifty ax holder at only 6300 grams; light and functional.  Also- the flannel paint job was custom applied over in Ontario. My bike comes to life when we go for a ride and that brings a smile to my hairy face. 

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Do you ride your fatty all year, or just the 10 months of winter up dare in da nort-vuuds?

Its been an all year adventure so far.  I keep finding new ways to use the fattie! YEEEEHAW! You bet your mamma spanked bottom I ride all winter!

Have you ever experienced self-steering and what do you think about the self steering phenomenon?

Are you accusing me of some sort of paranormal phenomenon? No, I can’t say that I’ve experienced that – yet. I have strong arms and forearms…..as strong as an angry pack of wolverines. We have a saying in the lumberjack trade – Control your ax or the ax will control you. In terms of fat bike stomp’n, that would translate to, either learn to steer your bike or get used to the taste of tree bark!

If you were a fat-bike tire…..which tire would you be and why?

I’d be your momma’s bike seat! HAHAHAHA! I’m just yankin’ your gizzard there small fry. I’d be the biggest fattest tire you’ve ever seen, with live porcupines for knobs. Them porcupine quills would grip the ground with such ferocity it would feel like Velcro and at the end of the day we could make a nice stew out of ’em, with some bacon and taters.

 

 Editor’s Note : Muchas gracias por mis amigos, Ernesto Ordaz & Fattie Lumpkin for their help writing this little comedy skit! – ¡felices senderos, amigos! – ~gomez~

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