Transcript 0:02 The Bike Black Ribbon Society presents The Black Ribbon Bicycle Hour, show number two. [crow cawing] [upbeat music] The yeti is angry. Run for your lives. It's the Black Ribbon Bicycle Hour. 0:20 After the show you'll wanna take a cold shower. We talk bikes, stay true to power. My name is Chris Daisy, just like the flower. Let me introduce you to Evan Larson. Funny as hell, just like Johnny Carson. 0:32 Rowan Laudain, big-ass brain. Speed, endurance, threshold for pain. And last but not least is our fearless host. The man from the Midwest- Not the coast... he calls himself Gomez but here's the joke. 0:43 He doesn't mind being the designated slowpoke. Nah, it's not how fast you go, it's making sure you get there. 0:58 Black Ribbon Bicycle Hour starts now. Consider this your only warning. 1:07 We're drilling a hole straight into your brain and pumping it full of the dark truth where it can flow down your spinal cord and into your pelvic region until your personal and very private areas reach maximum elasticity. 1:20 [coughs] [laughs] I think he just reached his el- elasticity. 1:32 [laughs] The Rorschach test left on the bathroom wall will reveal the nefarious hidden meanings behind every childhood nursery rhyme you were forced to sing in kindergarten. 1:44 As it turns out, all along you were singing the praises of The Black Ribbon Bicycle Hour. What's up, kids? This is your Uncle Gomez, 1:55 and you might have heard about Jenny on the block, but [laughs] 2:05 Nice. 5:06 Yeah, 5:34 yeah. [laughs] Welcome to the show. Yeah. What's happening? [laughs] So let's see. I met L in the mid-'90s, Chicago, Wicker Park music scene. Holy cow. Dude was a cool- That was a long time. Oh, right, I know. 5:50 Showing our age, but, uh, awesome musician- [laughs]... and, uh, always a longtime- Yeah... bike geek, and, uh- For sure... currently working a new gig at a new shop. 6:00 Uh, you just flipped bike shops recently, right?Yeah, definitely. Um, for sure, man, I'm at, uh, Boulder, um, Cycle Sport now. Uh, it's been super awesome so far, but it's only been a couple weeks, so. Nice. 6:14 [laughs] I heard, uh, when we were talking a little bit, uh, you mentioned that, uh, uh, at your old shop they frowned upon your surly Krampus, correct? Uh, they, they did. I won't mention names, but, uh, [laughs] 6:31 it was a little, it was a little out there for them, you know? Like, Krampus with a fixed gear and hydraulic disc brakes isn't, isn't really what they're into, so. [laughs] I see. Yeah. 6:41 Little bit of bike snobbery perhaps, or, uh- Yeah, maybe a little bit. All right. [laughs] So in the general scene out there in Boulder, can you kinda describe, uh, what's going down? What's good? What's bad? 6:53 Oh, man, lots of different stuff. Kinda depends on what you're into. Yeah. 6:57 Uh, what kind of bikes you ride, 'cause there's so many kinds and everybody rides something different and thinks that the bikes they ride are the, the only ones that people should ride. [laughs] Uh, not everyone. 7:08 I mean, I, I got a good collection. Um, we have some cruiser bikes and some fixed gear bikes and cargo bikes and all kinds of stuff. Um, but, uh, yeah, Boulder's an awesome town for cycling for sure. 7:20 I'm sure there's some pretty sweet, uh- Bikes are pretty deep. Yep, yep, for sure... pretty nice mountain bike trails in the area I would imagine. Uh, definitely. Yeah, yeah, we got some, um, real close. 7:30 Our closest one, uh, is just right out of town. Uh, they call it Patssso. Um, and it's just right about four miles, uh, above town, right up the canyon. 7:38 Um, there's a great o- uh, path that takes you really close, and then there's a few different ways you can get up to the trailhead. Nice. And, uh, they switch the direction on it, which is pretty cool too. 7:50 Uh, you get to kinda ride it both ways. They do it, like, every other week or something. I'm not totally sure. 7:54 Uh, but they switch the direction, and that makes it, uh, more interesting and always changes it up a little bit. Um, 8:02 but that's our closest one to town, but that's, that connects right to our, our bike path system which, which goes all around Boulder. Um, um, you can pretty much circle Boulder. Um, and they do it every year. 8:14 Uh, it's called the Boulder 360, which is funny. Put on by the city. Um, the, everyone comes out and kinda does it. It's like an all-day event. Okay. 8:22 And, uh, you can ride either, like, a, like, a, I think it's, like, a 15-mile loop and then there's, like, a 25-mile loop and it's pretty much all on the bike path or bike lanes. So that's, that's pretty cool. 8:34 I try to do that every year. Killer. What time of year is that? Take the kids out on a cargo bike and, and roll around Boulder, a big loop around, so. 8:41 What time of year do they- Um, it's definitely- What time of year do they do that? That's in the summer. I think it's in, like, June they do that. Nice. Oh, nice. Um, so yeah, lots of events. 8:52 Um- You were mentioning, uh- We got the, the bike park here. Oh, there's so many things. I, I- Okay... just bringing it up, I was like, yeah, we got a 40 acre bike park that's, uh- Whoa... 9:00 city, city run, just free park in the city. Um- Oh, nice... this huge jumps and, uh, pump park. Two different pump parks and oh, man, it's, uh, it's pretty sweet. 9:12 Um, the city maintains it, so the, the trails are always really nice, and bunch of drop-offs, huge jumps. Uh, it's, it's pretty cool. [laughs] Nice. Man, if, if you live somewhere crappy, aren't you angry right now? 9:25 [laughs] Okay. Oh, if you're living in Illinois. Yeah, for sure. Come to Boulder. Everybody's coming to Boulder. No, definitely come in the summer, and, uh, definitely come the summer. The- Oh, yeah... 9:33 the other thing that's really cool that, that happens here and one of the things that I love about Boulder and, and when I first came here about 10 years ago, thought was just the coolest is just the, is their cruiser ride that they do every week. 9:44 Yeah. And, uh, it's on Thursday nights. And, um, there's a lot of different groups that do it, but eventually they all kind of meet up together, and can be about 500 people. Whoa. Like, on a just a random Thursday night. 9:58 Wow. And it's just a rolling party through the town, and- Oh... there's, like, a few, they stop at all these parks and people dance, and there's big- Oh, man... big music, you know? 10:06 [laughs] And it rolls along, and it is just a blast, and it, it really got me into it, uh, here when I, when I first moved here. And, uh, uh, I still do it and, uh, looking forward to the season. 10:17 They kinda, they do it pretty much all year, but, uh, it really gets going when the summer is happening, you know? So. Right on. That's something- That's awesome... that's super awesome. Yeah, that's awesome. 10:24 I invite everyone to come out to Boulder and do the Boulder cruiser ride. Okay. We'll stay at your place. If you stoked for me. Yeah. [laughs] All right. Did you hear that? Our one listener- Yeah, okay... 10:35 that, that we have. Hey, listener- We should all, we should all meet there. Yep. Yeah. [laughs] Let's go to Al's. I want to talk to Uncle Al. Us four, listener- The realtor... and Al. There we go. 10:42 [laughs] Well, that's awesome, man. It's, uh, great to hear, uh, things are rolling along out there in Boulder. I- For sure... personally have not spent nearly enough time, or any really time, in Colorado. 10:55 So I'm definitely due to come out- Well, now yeah... and, uh, see some people and hang out and do some things. They have these, they have these things called wellness centers now. 11:01 Anytime, yeah, it'll be awesome for sure. Wellness. [laughs] I like the idea of wellness. All right. [laughs] Yeah. Well, I wanna ask Uncle- Yeah, get some wellness, for sure. 11:10 [laughs] I wanna, I wanna ask Uncle Al, uh, I wanna ask Uncle Al a question- Yeah... just real quick. There's definitely gonna be some safety, safety breaks. [laughs] Um, Evan's got a question here. Hold on a second. 11:18 Just real quick, do you miss Illinois? Oh, do you miss Illinois? Um, uh, I miss the city a little bit. [laughs] There you go. But, uh, not, not much. 11:30 But actually seeing some of the pictures, uh, coming from you guys though on the lake, you know, that, that, that looks awesome. Yeah. 11:36 So I, I'd love to come out and try to ride, 'cause, you know, I live down in, in the city, you know, Parker Park, and- Right... yeah, we never rode our bike really that, that much down there- No... 11:46 uh, the, the time I was down there. Um, so yeah, I'd love to kinda come out now and kinda hit some trails and stuff up there by you guys. Absolutely. 11:55 Anytime you're, uh, in, uh, up here, man, I got a guest room and it's got your name on it, so it's- Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I'll definitely be coming around. And we probably got a fat bike for you to ride too. 12:02 Oh, yeah, I got extra, yeah. I got multiple- Oh, yeah... rental bikes. We can hook it up. Sure. Shit, I'll let him ride mine. Just let me stay at his place. [laughs] Use his bikes. Yeah. No. 12:11 [laughs] So Al, are you going- We got, we got- Are you going to-... all good... uh, share s- a, uh, musical song for us to play on our show?Oh, yeah, you got- I totally will. Hell, yeah. 12:22 I mean, I got tons, so I would love to, uh... You could use any of them, for sure. [laughs] Nice. Definitely, uh, email us something- Yeah, I mean- We'll, uh- Oh, cool. Yeah. 12:31 Do you, do you want something in just anything or just something heavy or...? [laughs] Uh, you know, we like heavy. Yeah, we like heavy. This is the Black Ribbon Radio Hour. Let, let me answer that with yes. 12:40 [laughs] Yeah, yeah. I knew you would too. Something heavy. Uh, yeah. Definitely. I want to dive in. Right on. Yeah. Excellent. So, uh, after, after- Yeah, yeah... 12:48 we say goodbye to Uncle Al, this will be, uh, a musical piece that, uh, features him. Oh, yeah. We'll just spin that up, Ran. We'll just, uh... You know what? Coming up right now is some music a la Uncle Al Menduno. 13:01 So peace out, brother. Nice. Let's check it out. All right. [rock music] I 13:22 wish I had my mink applause. Down the Green River she rolls. I wish I had my mink applause all the time. 13:37 Oh, I wonder why she said yes after such a long distress. I wonder if she'll regret it all the time. 13:52 I stand here by and by. If it wasn't for me, my rosebud would've died. So I stuck by. I did my share. I did my share. 14:11 I did my share. I did my share. When the time came, my mink applause disappeared. And all I've got left 14:30 are the memories of our date. I think you had to throw it all away. I think you had to throw it all away. I think you had to throw it all away. 14:45 [rock music] I wish I had my mink applause. 15:18 Down the Green River she rolls. I wish I had my mink applause all the time. Oh, yeah. All the time. 15:34 All the time. [rock music] Yes, yes, gentlemen, 15:50 we have been summoned by the dark force. Together, four abnormal brains welded into one hive bicycle mindset, solving the answer to the question, 16:06 "What's the word out on the street?" Weapons? Weapons, yes. [laughs] It's a dangerous world out there, my friends. The gnomes are in assassin mode. 16:21 Bands of hungry yeti prowl through the foggy, frigid nights, and drunken teenage girls are getting in 70 mile an hour Snapchat wars behind the wheel of their daddy's Cadillac Escalade. Escalade. 16:37 [laughs] Watch out for those, man. [laughs] That's the scariest one. [laughs] So, uh, what do you carry on your person, uh, as a two-wheeled night prowler? Pointy objects? Boom sticks? 16:48 The magic skull dust of a two-headed unicorn? Let's go around the table and, uh, talk like the ladies from The View. What do you think, Dave? Well... [laughs] Come on, Al. Be nice. 17:04 [laughs] Uh, I don't like to brag, but I have a, uh, Ma Deuce, uh, strapped to my, uh, 35 mil bars with a holy hand grenade in my jersey pocket. 17:14 How do you, uh, how do you insulate the carbon frame from the recoil of that Ma Deuce? Haven't thought that far ahead. [laughs] Haven't had to use it yet? [laughs] It's just ready to go? Right. 17:28 Cross that bridge when you get there. Exactly. All right. Well, uh, Evan, I bet you have something interesting. [laughs] [laughs] It's, uh, it's all involved in the, the general direction of where I'm traveling. 17:44 If I'm headed towards Chicago- Yeah... or away from Chicago, you know. If it's, if it's towards, then we're gonna t-talk about throwing stars, subcompacts, assorted cutlery. 17:55 Um, no matter what I do, I've always got some type of small knife on me at all times or perhaps strapped to my bicycle. You never know when you're gonna have a hangnail or a need to open a package. 18:06 Well, it, it- [laughs] I'm sure we've all been... You know, you, we all beach ride, and you, there's fishing line and assorted, uh, nonsense, shrubbery that sometimes gets tangled in your drive train. True. 18:18 The occasional squirrel that you gotta kind of- Yeah. [laughs]... woodsh- Possible-... suck her out of there... chunk of asbestos stuck in your nostril. Did you guys- Sorry, that's our beach. 18:29 [laughs] Have you guys heard of the squirrel fraternity? Did you read about- No... the squirrel fraternity? No? Enlighten us. Frat squirrels? It, it's frat squirrels. Frat squirrels. Frat squirrels in Chicago. 18:39 Ap- apparently- [rock music] Frat squirrels. [laughs] Get going on it. Frat squirrels. Frat squirrels. Frat squirrels. Frat squirrels. Frat squirrels.Dangerous. 18:51 [laughs] No, the, the Fib alderman, Howard Brooks, uh, he criticized and accused Chicago squirrels of being aggressive, and they caused the refuse problems that Chicago was plagued by. 19:03 And it was soon after on his local bike ride that I, I believe he called it a, a, like a terrorist suicide bomber. A squirrel ran at him, lodged himself in the front of his wheel- [laughs]... 19:15 causing him to flip, and he had multiple facial fractures, and he, I think he's still recovering to this day, so. So do they think that the squirrel was radicalized overseas? [laughs] Is there a travel ban? 19:26 Or did it self-radicalize- [laughs]... via the squirrel internet? I'm sure all the YouTube videos- Oh... that got into its head- [laughs]... about our alderman caused it to just say, "You know what? 19:37 I'm gonna do something about it, and even if I have to end myself." It's a squirrel jihad. Mm-hmm. [laughs] Something like that. Hey, now that we have, uh, the entire NSA listening to the show- [laughs]... welcome. 19:52 Hello out there in government land. How's it going? Hey. Hey, we're just- Well, I'm just gonna-... talking about radicalized squirrels [laughs] What kind of bikes do you ride? 20:01 [laughs] Those words just flagged the show- We didn't even bring up- [laughs]... the whole capybaras, the huge radicalized rodents. Just think about that. Ooh, man. So, you know, you wanna chime in, uh, Chris? 20:15 Or you- Rodents? I think, I think that you and I probably have a, a similar take on this whole weapon thing. Um, well, if I'm gonna confess a secret, I actually have a superpower. 20:27 [laughs] [laughs] Other than, other than being able to play, like, all those instruments? Yeah. I can make people poop with my mind. Ooh. [laughs] It's hard to, uh- Mm-hmm... yeah. Just breaks up a fight real quick. Ooh. 20:42 [laughs] [laughs] I'll have to get back to you on that one. [laughs] I've never told anyone. [laughs] So let's just keep everybody, you know, nice and- Sonic defecation... yeah. That's right. 20:51 It's telepathic, uh, defecation, I think is, if you Google it. So I'm just gonna get a little philosophical here and say that I don't think that we should be spreading fear about radicalized squirrels. 21:06 [laughs] Well- Fear itself is, like, kind of anti going out and riding your bike, so. There's fear and there's being prepared. I mean, we wanna be prepared for radical squirrels, right? 21:17 [laughs] What kind of weaponry would be best suited? That stick you brought over earlier tonight- It-... could be something. It- I could put a lance on there. Sounded like that guy didn't have a fucking chance. 21:27 I mean, no matter- [laughs]... how well-prepared he probably could have made himself- Yeah... that squirrel was dedicated to ending his ride. Right. 21:36 You know, one lone squirrel that's willing to lose its life will definitely end your bike ride. Well, are we talking- I, I actually- [laughs] I don't think it will, and that speaks to my actual, uh- Yeah... 21:48 defenses, is that I run bladed spokes on all of my bikes- Oh. There you go... and travel at very high speeds. So I think I'm okay in that. So you're basically making s- uh, you know, like a rodent lunch meat. Dish. 21:59 Squirrel would've been a bump in the road for you, just a doomp. 22:02 I like to live under the fantasy that I live at the top of the food chain here in the lower 48, and that as delicious as I m- might be, that nothing's going to kill and eat me, uh, as far as- Well, in the lower 48, that's a big place. 22:17 I mean, we use that term- Well, yeah. Well, let's just say Wisconsin. South Wisconsin, yeah. [laughs] Uh, where I live in Wisconsin, there's, there's mountain lions. 22:23 But a 200-pound mountain lion is gonna be like, "Mm, the all you can eat buffet, I, I'm watching my weight. 22:30 I'm not gonna eat that big fat guy" [laughs] And he's just gonna take, you know, that 105-pound jogger that's all sinewy and, and healthy. Ah. 22:41 Nobody wants, nobody wants, [laughs] like, the pork belly sandwich every day, but- That and the, uh, mountain lion's in for a challenge. The jogger's running. You're probably just standing there realistically. Oh, hey. 22:52 [laughs] I could be rolling slowly by on my bike. [laughs] [laughs] Or, you know, stooping over even to take a picture and be like, "Oh yeah. I could s- What's this? You're riding down the trail screaming, "Gokuros! 23:04 Gokuros, motherfucker!" [laughs] [laughs] As, as far as humans go, you know, if you're vigilant and you read body language and you live out in the middle of country like I do, [laughs] you actually, like, are... 23:21 I, I just think I'm just way more scarier than most people and gokuros. [laughs] I tried that vigilant body language thing- Yeah... in Chicago when I lived there, and subsequently got stabbed. Oh. 23:32 [laughs] [laughs] I can laugh about it now. I, I think maybe you were doing the sexy body language. 23:41 [laughs] I mean, I was probably looking kind of sexy, but they were looking kind of ugh when I kinda walked on the other side of the road. It didn't help. Mm. They crossed the street too. Oh, ran across the street, yeah. 23:51 I turned around. There was, I saw a couple of dudes with knives and, woo-hoo, got in my car. Halfway in my car, luckily, could fight them off with my legs, so it was only my legs that got sliced up. 24:00 But, uh, wow, that was a... Yeah, same night I met Kyle Orton of the Bears at the bar, and I was supposed to leave for Vegas the next day. [laughs] Weird shit, huh? Man. Yeah. So much for my theory- I don't think-... 24:13 of not selling fear. [laughs] Well, it's, it's a rural- I guess-... urban- It's out there... it's where you are. 24:20 I'm, and you know, like I said, if I'm going on the Des Plaines River Trail, I tend not to go to the squirrel-infested- Hey, the gates of hell are at-... portion... the Des Plaines River Trail apparently. 24:29 Have you heard this? Oh, yeah. That, that weird hell gate. We talked, we talked about this on the show. Okay, right. Yeah. So you have heard. [laughs] [laughs] I heard it from you. So it's somewhere. Yeah. 24:38 There's that, and then the demons that I like to call the homeless folk or fishermen. I can't tell when they're just- [laughs]... dumpling around the fricking multi-trail. You don't know who you're, who's coming at you. 24:48 Yeah. I figure my light, it's bright as hell, and it's going right in their face, and I'm getting the fuck out of there.So if I did live where there were big predators, though, I would carry a revolver. 25:00 And I own a few, so I would carry [laughs] one of the ones that I own. And.357 Magnum's the biggest, most powerful. 25:07 I would put some Fiocchi hot loads in there and- How would you transport said weaponry, just, uh, you know, to relate this back to bikes? Frame, frame, frame, frame bag- Frame bag... like right there- Oh, no... 25:19 in a, in a neoprene- Hill country... pouch that- Just let it bounce around underneath your privies? [laughs] No, no. No. Well, you don't put, you don't put a round under the hammer. Right. 25:29 Um, and you keep it in something that's going to be at least as compressive so that cylinder isn't gonna move, and it's pretty fail-safe. See, I like- Five shots. 25:38 If you can't kill 12 bears with five shots, then you might be from Illinois. [laughs] I don't know. I, I- [laughs] I prefer to carry on the body, and- Yeah... Hill People Gear- Yeah... has a fantastic product. 25:50 It's like a chest rig you mount to your chest, and you can access it quickly, and that is, is perfect for backcountry wild animals. They're- Well, it's not like you're gonna quick draw on a damn bear, you know? 26:04 [laughs] No, man, they, they quick draw on you if you've... They're just like- It's like- They're- Yeah? And... But you're fucked no matter what, even if you shoot the thing. Guy... Oh, what was the guy's name who got... 26:15 He got attacked by a bear twice. Ah. Bob? No. [laughs] I looked it up. I mean, he, he made it. He made it out of there, and he's got a whole post. I gotta look that shit up. Mm. We'll talk about that later- Yeah... 26:28 sometime, some sort of rainy day. Well, we'll, we'll get back to bears eating people in a minute. But- Yeah. [laughs] If I were to carry a gun, I'd, I'd put a hard mount on my bike. Yeah. You know? 26:37 Maybe we'll post it up- I don't know... on the website, but we have a nice picture of an Albany, uh, tandem, which, uh, looks like some fine, uh, Britain's, uh, made back in 19- With all kinds of armaments on there. 26:49 It's pretty wild. I'd rock that. But I don't know. I j- just would want something simple that, uh, uh- How many grams does this gun add to my bike? [laughs] So I got a stoker in the back. 27:02 [laughs] It's all the extra clips that you ought to bring with you. Yeah. Todd Orr, that's the name- Oh... of the guy. Look up Todd Orr. 27:11 He's got this amazing video right after the bear attack, and he's still pretty lucid, and he's, he has to walk out of the backcountry- [whistles]... beyond fucked up. But we're thinking of, you know, 27:25 thinking of innovative products for cyclists, and this is actually Chris' find, are these telescoping stainless steel nunchucks- Yeah... that you can mount right on your belt, front or rear- [laughs] 27:44 ... launching, and you just, like, [whooshing sounds] ding- Like a tattoo man... yourself right in the forehead. [laughs] Cut open a big gash on your forehead, and then the bear can come and be like, [slurping] 27:56 can say, "Oh. O negative. Delicious." Well, those can also be- [laughs]... personalized with a Black Ribbon Radio logo on it. Oh. 28:03 So, uh, you know, leave your, uh, interest level on our comments section, and maybe we'll- Yeah. If, if-... get that ball rolling... if 12 people want them- [laughs]... then we probably still won't do it. 28:15 [laughs] Will they fit in my hemp onesie, though? [laughs] That's all I wanna know. I like that they're stainless steel because that means all of our listeners who are triathletes can put them in their little bag. 28:25 Well, yeah. And you know they sweat a lot. You can put them in your j- Oh, and-... in your jersey. Yeah. You know? And it'll, uh- That's a good point... it'll get all corroded. Uh-huh. 28:32 'Cause the demographic for this show is definitely triathletes- [laughs]... uh, rodeo clowns. [laughs] [laughs] And, uh, Lutheran ministry, the Lutheran ministries. 28:45 [laughs] [laughs] Uh, but let's talk about a couple of, uh, real things. Not that we, not that, you know, you guys' stories were made up or anything. I'm, I'm- Not at all... 100%. No. You know? 28:59 It's like- I, I can show you the scars. Oh, maybe later. [laughs] [laughs] Oh, Illinois. You can- [laughs] You can show me some of that. [laughs] Sexy, aggressive body language. 29:12 [laughs] But, uh, I think that three out of four of the team has had a chance to, uh, apply the Happy Bottom- Oh. Happy Bottom Bum Butter. I was gonna say butt butter- [laughs]... but that would be rude. 29:29 Bum butter. So- It's much more polite... it's much more, it's much more polite. Mm. And, uh, let's start off with the guy who actually hasn't used it, and let's get Evan's opinion on this. 29:39 How do you think this stuff tastes? [laughs] Let me, uh, let me just take a sample here. [laughs] He's licking it. It's, it's not bad. Kind of minty. [laughs] Delightful smell. 29:55 Yeah, it, it's, it's- Very savory, yeah, smell. Oh, wow. It just- Yeah. It, it, you know, that's nice. [laughs] Let me, uh- He has a dab on his finger. Hold on. No, don't, don't- It is yeah. [laughs] Don't apply it now. 30:05 [laughs] Later, later. He's, he's going downtown. There goes the boat. Oh. And, uh- Oh. Oh, yeah. That's, that's kinda nice. There's no tingle to it. Does anybody, you wanna take a smell of this? 30:20 Uh- Of the butter or of- All right. All right. [laughs] All of us actually have probably used... I know I've used it. Have you used it? I have. Chris? I do... No. 30:30 [laughs] [laughs] And I mean, the reason I'm so sad is because it's just been lack of pure bike riding in my life lately that has, you know, not warranted the need for bum butter at the moment. I, I see what you mean. 30:46 Oh. But, you know, it could be used for m- riding a stool or... [laughs] I don't get to do that much either. All right. Well- Eh. So Dave?Tell us about the Bum Butter. This is, uh- Yeah... 31:01 Charlie the Bike Monger's product. It totally works. Yeah, it totally works. Totally works. I've put on, geez, probably 500 and some miles since the last show. Mm-hmm. 31:10 And, uh, when I think we got our last sample, um, or the sample finally. Mm-hmm. [laughs] And it- [laughs] Thank you, by the... This- this is Dave's way of saying, "Hey, thanks Charlie, for the free sample." 31:21 Wasn't, wasn't blaming him. [laughs] It came via the Royal Mail, so we might have to blame the Queen. Kind of probably got held up in customs. The buck stops at the crown jewels. 31:35 [laughs] Well, my- my- As- as does the Gooch Butter [laughs] My crown jewels were royally protected. Um, saddle sores were kept in check, and it really works, and it smells nice. 31:46 I like to name my saddle sores, and, uh, you know, they're... I haven't got [laughs] any new girlfriends down there, so well played, old sport. Now, uh, I did apply some to the, to the wife's, uh, pelvic region. 32:01 [laughs] And she, uh, she did not find it, uh, that great. [laughs] Did you ask her first? [laughs] It was during the grinds. [laughs] Like, what the hell are you doing? [laughs] She was napping at the time. 32:19 She was sleeping. [laughs] What are you doing, hon? But yeah, I think that you will find, uh, Charlie's crease grease delightful, and, uh, it's not tingly. It's not mentholated. Mm-mm. 32:34 Has a very neutral, clean, very gentlemanly smell. I think your street cred will definitely go up if you use this stuff, or your- your shorts will be better friends, or I don't know. 32:50 And I haven't tried it yet, but due to the nice smell- [laughs]... and the very nice consistency, I've thought about using it as, uh, beard oil. [laughs] Your beard oil. Beard ointment. Beard conditioner. 33:00 [laughs] That's- that's for the next show. I'll- I'll try that. Always looking for the, yeah, it's a gun cleaner. It's a Gooch Butter. It's a beard oil. 33:09 [laughs] My, uh, there's certain ways you could apply said beard conditioner. [laughs] Just sell this- Straight off of the gooch... sell this shit off a trailer and a horse, and it just does it all. 33:21 And there's one other thing that I wanted to mention, which is Industry Nine has this really cool multi-tool that is your front thru-axle, and I saw it before, and it, they didn't make one 150 by 15, but now they do. 33:39 They're no longer bastards. And, uh, I have one of these things in my possession, and somebody was having a pretty fucking good brainy day when they came up with this shit, dude. That's cool. It, uh- How's the handle? 33:56 Like, have you used it yet? I- I've used it, and we're, I'm, I shot all the pictures, all the studio pictures for it today. The handle comes off of the thru-axle, and the handle itself is a chain breaker. 34:09 Inside the hollow part of the, uh, of the thru-axle is a plastic tube that has, this has, I think, six bits in it that go into that handle. So they go in just like the normal, uh, 34:26 driver unit that you would use, like your, uh- The little make, the little bit kit- Mm-hmm... that you buy. Right. Right. And, uh, it has a place specifically to hold a quick link. It has a spoke wrench. 34:43 So pretty much it- it covers everything that you would need for trail side. So the only thing that I could say is those little bits, if you dropped them in the snow, could be an issue to find. 34:55 So I'm gonna use the thing and see how it goes. And, uh- Okay... but I was impressed. I was like, damn, this is a good idea. 35:03 It just combines something that makes your bike better, and it's probably on, if you have a newer fat bike, it's probably already on there, and, uh, combines it with something that you should always have with you, and the second that you don't have your kit with you, you know, your bike's gonna break. 35:21 So- It's one less thing you have to remember to throw in your backpack before you- Yeah, 'cause you've al- Right... we've all been there. 35:25 You think you have your multi-tool with you, but you left it on your other bike from your last ride, and all of a sudden you're- Fucked... yeah. 35:33 I, I'm always juggling between this bike and that bike and this bike, and I always have new bikes coming through, so it's like, well, I have to remember, well, with this bike, I have to wear the backpack because there's no bag on there. 35:44 And- Mm-hmm... so it- it's, I think it's gonna be a good thing. So that's my new product [laughs] of the week. Nice. And they come in colors too. Different rainbow colors, correct? Yeah. 35:56 You know, that whole anodizing thing. So ours is lime green, and it matches that new, uh, Fatback Corvus that is in the test kitchen over there. Nice. So I'm liking that thing. Sweet. And, uh, you know, 36:12 you guys listen to Ken and Andy over there at the Fat Camp, or on the Fat Camp podcast? I love- Are you guys fans? Love Ken and Andy. Oh, yeah. I love listening to that show. Best guys across the pond. 36:23 I tell you, they get, they get better and better. They just, earlier this week, we published a, uh, Jill Martindale interview that they did, that, uh, they killed that. She seems like, uh, just a super, super person. 36:37 Andy asks all the questions that I w- [laughs] 'Cause, like, he, no, he seems to be right there with me as far as, like, my technical non-knowledge, and he- Mm-hmm... 36:46 is right there with the question that I wanna ask, and it's, it's fu- it's just perfect. It's spot on. I, I love listening to those two guys rap about bikes. So cool. 36:55 That was our commercial for the Fat Camp that we were gonna do. [laughs] Sweet. That was easy. I know. So after this break, we're gonna come back with the little segment that we like to callWhiskey and what? 37:10 [laughs] [upbeat rock music] You're tuned to Black Ribbon Bicycle Hour. 37:35 [bicycle bell rings] Hey, we're back from the break, and, uh, here's a little segment that we like to call Beards & Beer. [upbeat digital music] Beards and beer. 37:52 Have you ever had beer in your beard? Beard. Beer and beards. Beards. Why does yours look so weird? 38:09 Beard. Right. So commercial time. [clears throat] [upbeat country music] United Liquors in Winthrop Harbor, Illinois, is a total backwater liquor store that would probably suck by normal standards. Backwater. 38:24 But what is normal, exactly? The fact is, Larry, the owner, is cool. He's kind of a sly motherfucker, but he carries a decent craft beer. Sly motherfucker. 38:34 And he's got the cheapest whiskey prices in town, which makes him a true patriot- Patriot... and model capitalist in my book. His 90-year-old employee is named Boots. Boots. 38:46 Sometimes he tells me old party stories about my dead grandfather, rest his soul, so that's, like, totally cool. 38:53 [laughs] Stop in if you're ever stuck between Milwaukee and Chicago on Sheridan Road, just south of the Wisco border. Tell them the Bearded Wonder sent you. Maybe you'll get a discount, but I doubt it. 39:06 [laughs] You can try to check them out on the web, but I doubt they have a website, too, so fuck you, my friend. [laughs] [upbeat piano music] Oh, yeah, they don't have a website. I looked. You looked. [laughs] I looked. 39:25 Check your Yellow Pages. All right. [sighs] [gentle music] So I wish to take this special time right after thou holiest of commercial breaks 39:43 to again apologize for drinking all the scotch last time around. Yeah, that sucked. My parents taught me to share, and unfortunately, that training failed me. Damn Lutherans. 39:58 Furthermore, unfortunately for you, I read Ayn Rand as a young man and have been a self-centered son of a bitch ever since. [laughs] We love you, Dave. So 40:10 anyway, tonight I have with me, straight from Iowa, hand delivered by my father, some, uh, Templeton Rye whiskey, 'cause I have, uh, for reasons yet to be revealed, usurped the beer segment with whiskey again. 40:27 Boom, cousin. [laughs] Boom, cousin. That's right, cousin. Boom. So by the latest scientific research in transubstantiation, I have turned beer into rye. Oh, Lordy. 40:41 So- So this fine Midwestern libation is 80 proof and an excellent shade of umber. Ah. So- Smells like whiskey... someone tell me where exactly is this Temple Templeton? So, so- [laughs]... 40:58 pass me, pass me my, uh, Mountain Dew White Tropical Thunder over there. [bottle clangs] Oh. Oh, man. Yeah. Whoa. God, have you guys poured yourself whiskey and you- What the- My bar stool just exploded. 41:10 Oh, it- [can clicks] Ah, 900 milligrams of sugar and caffeine. It's a crafted tropical citrus Mountain Dew White Label. Did you just usurp my usurping? 41:24 It's, it's like a, it's like a whole new chapter in getting jacked up on Mountain Dew. Hey, let's also take this moment to introduce, uh- [laughs]... whiskey connoisseur and lovely wife of mine, Ms. Cassie Daisy. Hello. 41:40 Yeah. I believe we poured you some there, sweetie. I hope- Thank you... I hope this visit is better than, than the last time you, you dropped in. Yes, much. I've been drinking, uh, Maker's Mark prior to this- [laughs]... 41:53 so we'll see how Templeton Rye complements, uh- The pallets... the rye. And there's no dog in the room this time, so- Right. That's true. Yeah. The last time I visited- Cheers... yep. 42:04 We did have Sprocket, the wonder dog, in here, but she got kicked out instantly. Correct. Mm. She French kissed me right away. [laughs] Yeah. Boom, cousin. [laughs] What listeners- Boom... 42:20 may not know is that Dave is my brother-in-law, and we've spent many a Christmas together- Mm... probably over the past decade, wouldn't you say? Little bit more, yeah. Little bit, yeah. 42:30 I'd say six out of the 10 years, uh, polishing off a bottle of whiskey between the two of us, uh, over the course of a day, uh, irritating my, uh- [laughs]... family members. [laughs] My sister, uh- Yeah, my wife. 42:46 [laughs]... thoroughly. So, um, those are my- But it always ends in good stories. Everyone had a merry fucking Christmas. [laughs] That Christmas when y'all gave each other tasers. [laughs] Yeah. 43:02 The Christmas when I broke all the dishes. [laughs] Yes, none of us brought up any kind of non-lethal weapons like tasers or pepper spray. 43:11 'Cause it's lethalYou're pulling a weapon [laughs] I'm out here to just let you know So you would... If you... Let's, let's whisk ourselves to the 26th century and, uh, you know, Star Trek phasers. 43:24 So you would set on kill at all times [laughs] Yeah, vaporize. [laughs] The guy in the red shirt gets it. Boof. I would set my phaser on, say, tickle or [laughs] Smile. Piss off. [lasering] Slightly agitate. 43:41 [lasering] It wasn't that cool, but I will say that philosopher finger puppets and my grandmother accidentally breaking her shoulder were direct results- [laughs]... of our drinking. [laughs] Well- Oh, yeah... 43:56 it was the dachshund, I would say, that caused the grandmother to- I was gonna say Dave, like, hockey checked her into a wall or something. 44:02 [laughs] No, it was a little, uh, blockade we'd set up for our dog at the time- Oh... which was a dachshund. I think we're gonna have to get Grandma's side of the story on this because- Yeah, might-... 44:12 I don't know if she thinks it was [laughs] That much too difficult [laughs] Oh, she's... Oh. She's dead. Well, hey, we could have a seance. 44:19 [laughs] Anyways- Welcome to the Halloween show, ladies and gentlemen This is- The point of these stories-... the black ribbon... uh, when it comes to whiskey, I don't trust... 44:26 I, Dave I trust his, uh, judgment very much. Oh. So Templeton Rye. Mm-hmm. Is this corn whiskey, Dave? [laughs] What's the origin? It's rye whiskey. It's rye. Rye, oh right. Yeah. Okay. From Templeton. Oh. 44:38 So Templeton, um, if you know where Des Moines is- Mm-hmm... and you know where Sioux City is, and you draw a line between them, bisect that, it's right about there. Hmm. Middle of nowhere. Mm-hmm. 44:52 Mountain Dew's made from corn. [laughs] You're right. Corn syrup. [laughs] D- does that have White Number 5 instead of Yellow Number 5 in it? I don't know. It's got two shucks in every can. 45:02 I wouldn't wanna see that in a clear glass. [laughs] I have two words for, for, uh, Mountain Dew White Label: fucking delicious. [laughs] Go with what we call Mountain Dew White Label mixed with Templeton Rye whiskey. 45:16 Oh. Could we name a drink right now? Ooh, yeah. Mm. The White Temple? The White Temple. That... I don't think that's PC. [laughs] That's, yeah, [laughs] that's a little bit, uh- A Drunk Dachshund... 45:26 insensitive for today's times. [laughs] The Drunken Dachshund? The Drunken Dachshund. Horny Dachshund? [laughs] Well, let's not get ahead of ourselves with the Mountain Dew there. Yeah. Hmm. [laughs] I'm outta here. 45:40 I'm just thinking of all the dachshunds I've known in my life. [laughs] All named Cleopatra or Schatzi. All right. Oh, well- There's Cleopatra... we'll have to, we'll, we'll have to revisit the naming. 45:53 [laughs] So did I usurp your s- usurpation? From what I, what I understand- I don't know where the fuck we are now. [laughs] Templeton Rye was the, uh, preferred whiskey of Mr. Natural and the Fabulous Freak Brothers. 46:08 Are you guys old enough to know who those people were, are? No. Jesus Christ, dude. What? What? [laughs] Do you guys know Underground comics? No. Underground comics, yes. All right. 46:19 So I'm a big fan of Underground comics. Back when there were- Right... record stores- Yeah... and I had a buck in my pocket, I would go, and I would buy this, like, crazy cartoon book. Like R. Crumb? Yeah, yeah. Yes. 46:32 Exactly. Yes. Exactly. I know about that. So it's been kind of a dream of mine to have rock music on the show and to have Underground bicycle cartoonists on the show, and this week Andy Si- You get both, right? 46:46 Yeah, Andy Singer did a comic, and I contacted him and got permission to put it in our show notes. So look in your show notes, fools. Nice. And you'll see, uh, like- Yee-haw... a guy fat biking. On the moon. 47:04 The moon. Boom, cousin. So anything else you wanna tell us about this here Templeton Rye? It was, like, the favorite whiskey of, uh, Chicago gangster Al Capone, right? Yeah, so the story goes. Either... 47:17 I don't know whether it's by itself or mixed in with something. Every time I tell myself I need to go research that, I- I've had a couple glasses and don't wanna get off the couch. It's a, it's a resounding [laughs] 47:29 like testimonial from a guy who died of syphilis. [laughs] There you go. And broke my grandmother's heart. Oh. Really? [laughs] Grandma. 47:44 Is this the same grandma that Dave broke her shoulder? Yeah. Crappers. So oh, wait. There's a... You have a Grandma Al Capone story is what you're trying to say? No. [laughs] It would've been a good story though. 47:57 That's the whiskey talking. Sorry. [laughs] Well, with nothing else to say about my Mountain Dew and/or the Templeton Rye- No, the Templeton's good. It's smooth. Yeah. I 48:11 usually get two or three bottles delivered to me a year via my father, and- Mm-hmm... as you notice, this one did not show up full. [laughs] Hmm. I've seen it here at the Woodman's. Yeah, I know it- They do sell it here. 48:23 Yeah, its distribution I know has increased, uh, vastly in the past couple years. Three or four years ago you could pretty much only find it in Iowa. Um, couple years before that you could only find it there. Hmm. 48:36 Sometimes- As things go, distribution widens, production increases I've- Not in that order, but you know... I've been on safari in, in Iowa a couple of times and, and been plied with, with that liquor before. Nice. 48:48 You guys are supposed to think that's funny. It's good, it's good stuff. [laughs] I'm just saying. Did you see the Slipknot? The Slipknot? When you were there in Iowa on safari. 48:58 I, I, I know of the nu metal band- That's my aunt... known as the Slipknot. They're from Iowa. No way. I only see those big fans just wanting to get- I always wonder if you guys know the guys from Chevelle. 49:11 Actually, yes. I do, yes. We used, we played a show with them a long ass time ago.See? Long- Look at that... time ago. [laughs] We should have them on the show. Uh, I don't, like, know them personally anymore. 49:25 [laughs] But they're from right around here. They play at- Yeah... The Brat Stop every once in a while. Yeah. Oh. Maybe we should just move the show to The Brat Stop. Yeah. Get a booth. [laughs] The Bonsai Show. 49:36 I like that. Let's just set up show anywhere we feel like. [laughs] Be like, "Sirs, what are you doing?" Look at them- A radio podcast... the mobile unit. Bring out the mobile unit. I have it. I mean, we can do it. 49:47 I've s- Satellite interruption. This right here is what we're doing... we have the technology. Exactly. We are gonna break through, pirate this shit right- Yeah... through your ear holes. Oh, there you go. 49:56 We have digressed into The Brat Stop, uh, episode. [laughs] Which would be show number 15. [laughs] But let's go back to show number dos, and let's take a quick break- Mm-hmm... 50:09 and let's rock it back into whatever the fuck we're supposed to be doing next. [upbeat music] Motherfucking quick break. You're listening to the Black Ribbon Bike Hour on Fat Bike Radio. 50:23 [upbeat music] Hey, we're back, and the title of this segment is Vintage MTB. 50:44 Vintage mountain bikes, think about it. We have my inspiration for this whole quest, Paul de Valera, on the line. He's from, uh, Los Angeles, out in-- Do you own or do you work at Atomic Cycles, Paul? 51:02 Both. Both. Nice. Boom. So, uh- Yeah... and Paul's been running some clunker and coaster brake and vintage mountain bike, uh, events out there, as we'll-- you'll see in the show notes. 51:20 We've-- gonna feature some of the awesome flyers that he puts together. Um, can you tell us, uh-- You know, I, I look at these pictures and it's just everything I love about underground [chuckles] events. 51:34 It looks like you guys are having so much fun. Tell us about, like, your- Yeah... your, your clunker or vintage MTB events. What kind of ride format do you, uh, do you run out there? Well, it depends on which one. 51:51 Mm-hmm. So for the Coaster Brake Challenge, it's a month-long thing and I'm picking four courses. 51:59 So I have to go around and, and look at all the trails out here, and there's a lot of mountain biking trails in Los Angeles. 52:07 You'd think that that would not be the case, but uh, there's, there's quite a bit, and you have to look at them first. I typically use Google Earth or something like that- Mm-hmm... 52:19 to kinda get a rough idea if I think it's doable, and then I go out and try it, and then if I don't die- [laughs]... I say, "Okay, that's good," or, "Whoa, that's way too much." Uh-huh. 52:29 You know, I have to jump off my bike to save my butt or something. 52:32 And then, and then, uh, I figure it out, and, uh, most of the time I calculate the distances and the hardness pretty well, and then I start the first one with a easy 52:44 one, and then kinda ramp it up, with the third one typically being the hardest to do as far as the physicality of it. Mm-hmm. And then the last one, I always do a shorter one that has something silly. 52:57 Like I made them do a Coaster Brake Challenge word search, or put their feet in a bag and jump around a cone, or shoot a can with a slingshot, or- Uh-huh... uh, I made them do Coaster Brake Challenge haikus one time. 53:12 [laughs] You know, to get their- Cool... laps and, and some people lost a lot of places because they're meathead. [laughs] [laughs] They couldn't compose a haiku or, or they were terrible shots. Kids. 53:24 They obviously were good kids when they were children, 'cause they couldn't hit anything with a slingshot. [laughs] And it was really frustrating for them- Mm-hmm... 53:31 'cause they were really good riders, but they were getting lapped by people that, that were slower than them or, you know, 'cause they had no capacity to destroy things. [laughs] Pacifists. So-- Yeah. 53:45 Well, you know, that's what you get. [laughs] If you wanna be a pussy, that's your choice. But, uh, so, so that-- There's a, there's a bit of logistical groundwork on my end to put all that together. 53:59 And then the, the vintage mountain bike stuff, like the clunker runs, runs and things, I just do that with my buddies in-- I'm in a mountain bike club called The Scumbags, and we basically, 54:13 we just do a short ride and they haul a couple cases of beer- Mm-hmm... up to the top of the mountain, and just accost everyone and try to do beer handoffs at 8:00 in the morning, and... [laughs] Yes. 54:25 So that's, that's kinda fun. And the, the funniest thing is that I don't drink. I'm in the same boat. I'm, I'm- But, you know, that's- I'm totally straight edge, and I've been that way my whole life pretty much. 54:36 And I, and I just... You know, to me it's the, the-- Both of those things seem to go hand in hand in mountain biking a lot, where there's a lot of drunken antics- Mm-hmm... that then I'm kinda feeling compelled to 54:53 sort of facilitate that kinda stuff, even though personally I would never do it. Yeah, I'm the dullest edge. Being that the people- [laughs] Well, they, they, they want- I'm- They want it. 55:05 I mean, I'm not, I'm not gonna say you can't do it. I'm just gonna s- Right. Yeah... say that, "Well, it's gonna happen whether I want it to or not," right? Right. Yeah. 55:12 So like a- There's, there's no, there's no blocking the flow of a giant river. Like a butter knife. [laughs] Right. I like to think of myself as like, uh-Half reformed straight edge, but that, that's just me. What... 55:27 So here I am on the verge of, you know, wanting to run a vintage MTB event. I'm curious to see how you define vintage MTB. 55:41 Well, I just, for my next thing I'm doing, I just picked an, a year. I looked at when SPD pedals came out- Mm... and when, uh, what was the other thing? V brakes, and I think they both came out in 1996. Mm-hmm. 55:57 And I was kinda trying to keep the bikes mostly full rigid, so I thought 1992 was a good cutoff year. Hmm. 56:04 But the, you know, you post the thing on the internet and there's always some dill hole that goes, "Oh, well, here I found this carbon fiber bike with suspension from 1992, so neener, neener," you know? 56:15 [laughs] And then I go, "Well, I, you know, I don't, I don't care. You're a douche, so-" [laughs]... that doesn't make any- I know. I don't want, 56:25 I don't want people to come- So then why, why do you have to be, why do you have to be right so damn bad? Like, why is that important to you? Is your life that empty? Okay, fine. I mean, you're not gonna show up anyway. 56:35 Right. Yeah. So I've been organizing lots of events for a really, really long time, and prior to all this I was doing other stuff, like really completely insane underground events that were incredibly violent. 56:48 [laughs] And we would beat the shit out of each other with foam weapons and bikes with metal rams on the front of them and all this kind of stuff. 56:56 So this, all this, this kind of jazz is really subdued in, in a relative sense. But to get back more to your question, I just, I picked that number and, and a while back, 57:07 a few years back, I organized a vintage mountain bike ride, and it was a really negative experience afterwards because I had to deal with all these nerds. 57:16 [laughs] They kept nitpicking every component on your bike, and one guy was totally, went totally crazy on me and was screaming at me on the phone and I, I don't know. He needed to go take his meds. 57:31 I don't know what his trip was. [laughs] Ay caramba. And we're not gonna allow any of that. 57:35 [laughs] But it, well, because they were, they were bitching about all this stuff, and I'm all, "What do you guys do when you go home? Do you flip a light switch like six or seven times before you sit down?" [laughs] Or, 57:45 you know, just rein your OCD in. Rein it in. Rein it in. Rein it in, just because if you had a bike from that era and you broke something and you took it to the bike shop, they're gonna put a new part on it. Yeah, yeah. 57:57 And maybe they don't have a turquoise Kooka stem- Yeah. [laughs]... because they all broke, 'cause they're pieces of shit. [laughs] Okay? Word. 58:06 So they're gonna just put some regular, like, Sun Ringle thing on there or whatever, you know, Specialized, whatever's laying around. Go, "Well, we got this." 58:15 I know, and I envision that they're- You're gonna be like, "Okay, it's, it's five years old," and yeah, totally, cool, fix it. And you would. So 58:25 I went through this, these same iterations with the BMX dorks and, and dealing with all their bullshit, so. Well, there's always a few bad apples. 58:34 For me, I enjoy all this stuff and I like- [laughs] I like all that stuff, but the, just, you know, stop- Well, I don't wanna get hated on... 58:42 trying, stop worrying about how many mountain bikers can dance on the ends of a Violet quick release skewer. Just unimportant. [laughs] You're supposed to just go out there and have fun. Boom. 58:54 You're supposed to ride the bike. Yes. Boom. You're supposed to ride the bike. Boom, cousin. That's the, that's the thing- Yeah... that these guys don't do. They nerd out. Oh. 59:03 Like one of my buddies, he came by today, as an example, and he has 19 billet braised Richie frames. Uh-huh. He won't sell me one because I'll ride it, all right? Oh. Oh, fuck him. 59:14 And, uh, I'm all, "Hey, man, you gonna do this race?" And he's all go, "Oh, how long is it?" I'm all, "It's 25 mile." He's all, "Oh, well." I'm all, "You're supposed to ride these bicycles." 59:23 Yeah, man, his bikes hate him. They look awful. They're like, "Ride me, please. Just, just take me along." They're all in the basement. That's, that's bike hell right there. That's the problem. So- Not me... 59:34 you know, a fanatic is someone who doubles their effort and loses sight of the goal. Yeah. So they, they get all this stuff, and I collect a lot of vintage things, but everything I got, it, it's gonna get used. 59:47 So certainly after I get my hands on it, it gets in worse condition. Yeah. I- Uh, cosmetically, condition-wise... 59:54 I want people to bring these bikes and ride them, but I kinda envision a little bit of, uh, we're, we're talking about running like a vintage MTB rally with less of an emphasis on racing. 1:00:06 We might have like a special downhill section or whatever, and do the- Yeah, I mean-... 1:00:11 stupid human tricks kinda thing, but I also envision kinda like setting up the bikes in, in a, in a corral and drinking beer afterwards and, you know, it- Well, sure. And that's, and that's great... 1:00:22 kinda like a, like a local car show, you know? Mm-hmm. Yeah, that's great, but, um- Like the Amelia Island Contests, but, uh- Yeah... for mountain bikes. I do both. So we do the, the group rides, the clunker run. Mm-hmm. 1:00:33 And then, so I came up with the mullet race 'cause I wanted to have one where you actually race the bike. 'Cause the clunker run, there's, you're just doing exactly what you said. 1:00:43 We're just hanging out, kinda nerding out on 'em and stuff, and that does have a, a, a good entertainment value. So that's a whole lot of fun, and then I figured, well, why not? Let's race these things. Hell yeah. 1:00:57 Derbies? Are there derbies happening? And every day- Yeah. Do you guys derby? What's that? Do you guys, do, do you know the derby game that people ride? Derby, I don't know. Riding around in a- I've heard the word... 1:01:06 you ride around in a circle. Foot down. They call it foot down and foot less. Foot down. All that. No, no, no, I haven't, I haven't done that yet. I don't really feel any reason to. I suggest it, sir. 1:01:15 It's kind of, it's kind of big in the Midwest. [laughs] Especially, uh, Minneapolis, you don't go to any, any underground bike event where they don't derby.So West Coast, man, you know? That's all right. 1:01:27 Oh, well, yeah, I mean, I used to do demolition derbies. [laughs] You were saying, yeah, where you- Very similar I took BMX bikes and I welded cowcatchers on the front of them, and then the only rule was, was to win. 1:01:40 [laughs] So I mean, I got hit in the head with these things and, and so you know, that, that was my idea in-- The last one we did, I did it for 15 years, and the last one I actually choked out one of my friends. 1:01:54 [laughs] And then this guy, beat his head on the pavement. [laughs] But I took his glasses off first, and then I beat his head on the pavement until he gave up. 1:02:01 And that's a dirty- [laughs] And the last guy, I kept trying to beat the shit out of him, and then he wouldn't-- He-- I couldn't beat his ass badly so, but it got, it got down to just pushing and shoving and throwing the bikes, and then everyone said, "Dance off." 1:02:14 And he's staring me off. You, you beat him to a misdemeanor. [laughs] Not a felony. He, he then, he-- [laughs] Well, and then he, uh, he's like, "I can't dance to Journey." [laughs] And I went, "Then you lose." 1:02:24 And then you whipped out your cardboard and breakdanced and busted a move. No, no. Telescoping nunchucks. That would be like Run DMC or something. [laughs] Oh, all right. 1:02:33 But I did a cartwheel dressed like a giant cat, and that cinched it, so. Oh. But that's, that's different. But yeah, I mean, you have to balance it. So you have to go out there and have fun with it. 1:02:44 But I put my fat race up on Craigslist, and they-- somebody flagged it for removal. So that's, that's the kind of prevailing attitude you have is there's this sort of religious reverence for this old stuff. Hmm. 1:02:58 But they're not actually gonna go out and use it. Sure, people do, but they don't, they don't use it, uh, all the time. Occasionally I see a guy on an old bike up a mountain that's bitching, but it's not too often. 1:03:12 Yeah, I have a couple of friends that still ride-- I have a friend who still rides a Trek Y bike, and it-- [laughs] He does-- He uses it for everything, so just crazy. 1:03:24 Uh, and then- No, and there's-- Well, when that came out, that was the hoss magots, right? [laughs] So does that then become non-usable because they come out with some other doohickey? 1:03:35 [laughs] That was the unified rear triangle. [laughs] The, the drivetrain that never moved, but just jacked up and down really good. Right. Yeah. So Paul, man- I remember, I remember them... 1:03:48 you are, you are, you're the, you're the poster child for what this, our new show, the, The Black Urban Bike Hour is all about, dude. 1:03:57 You-- We're not worthy to have you as a guest on our show, 'cause I'm telling you, man- I wanna ride bikes with Paul. That's-- Yeah, yeah. So we're-- There are a couple of, uh, of vintage MTB events here in the Midwest. 1:04:10 There's something called Clunker Funk at the Cuyuna Trails in Minnesota. I went to that last year. Uh, that was a ton of fun. 1:04:18 Uh, and we're gonna be running two events, one at an MTB, a vintage MTB rally, and one a clunker event, so, uh, maybe as soon as April or May. So, uh, we really- That's good... we really appreciate you, 1:04:36 like, lighting the f- the, the fire of inspiration for, for- I just wanna beat somebody up right now. [laughs] Somebody. Curb stomp. 1:04:43 It sounds like Trex is a real asshole, so we should rethink this whole strategy of ours. Let's go take a, let's go take a station break and derby. It's gonna be good. 1:04:52 [laughs] I gotta figure out how to weld a cowcatcher to my fat bike. Yeah. Pretty rad. So man, anything else, uh, you wanna share with us before we, uh, bid you a good night? Uh, I don't know. 1:05:04 I mean, if you have any other, any other questions or-- I'm not really sure. 1:05:10 Well, I would say if you are in the Southern California region, either as a visitor or, uh, or if you live out there, stop by Atomic Cycles and talk to Paul, because it sounds like, uh, he has the, uh, 1:05:25 the perfect, uh, the perfect cure for the modern life. And a good story or two. Hell yeah. Uh, I guess. I just try to have fun. 1:05:34 I, I think the basic philosophy is like when you were a kid and you would have some toys or sticks or whatever, and you had your friends, you would construct a game. Yeah, yeah. And you would play it. 1:05:46 And so I have all these bicycles, so they're toys, and I'm trying to figure out fun things to do with them with my friends. And over time, I think as adults, you begin to lose that ability to be creative, 1:06:02 and you're just waiting for the next thing to come out from Hollywood. Or out here, you wait for the next, you know, ride to be built at Magic Mountain or Disneyland or whatever. 1:06:12 And then, you know, all of your entertainment choices involve going some, to some corporate structure and selling, shelling out lots of money- Mm-hmm... to be passively entertained. 1:06:24 And you should still evoke that creative, uh, sort of childlike stance in life where you make your own fun. Boom. Absolutely. Absolutely. Paul, Paul, I got, I got a question for you. Okay. 1:06:39 What is your drink of, what is your drink of choice since you don't partake in, uh, alcohol-lic beverages? I like- What is your, what is your beverage of choice? I like coffee. Fantastic. I like coffee. 1:06:51 How do you drink your coffee? And- Black? Uh, sugar and, and cream. Oh, geez. Yeah. [laughs] It tastes like mud otherwise. Nice. Good stuff. Yes, this, this- Good stuff Yeah. Well, you know, I'm not gonna grow up. 1:07:05 If I drink black coffee, that's, that's an adult trappy. Right. It, it's bitter and delicious. Plus it stunts your growth. There you go. [laughs] Are you sure? I haven't-- I'm already fully grown. 1:07:15 [laughs]Yeah, I like to say, Paul, "Let's go out and play bikes." That's what we would say to each other when we were eight. I would go over to my friend's house and say, "Let's go play bikes" Mm-hmm. 1:07:29 And then we would just go- Right... screw off and ride bikes. And- Yeah. And it sounds like- It's, it's a lost thing today. Yeah. 1:07:36 You know, you gotta be on your Strava, or you gotta be working out, or you gotta be riding intervals, and there's more to life than that. 1:07:44 So, uh, you carry the torch in the Southern California area, and we really appreciate you coming on, man. Yeah. Well, no problem. Yeah, I mean, we've been doing Coaster Brake now for eight years. 1:07:56 That's- So I'm, I'm at least ahead of the curve at ripping off the past than anybody else. [laughs] So. Dude, I love Coaster Brake. I love it. I love it. I, I love that, my transition, my clunker. 1:08:07 That thing is a fucking blast. Yeah? Yeah, I mean, you guys should put together a Coaster Brake, uh, challenge. Yeah, I'd be, I'd be the only one there You know, you could make it just a one day thing. Hell yeah. 1:08:16 Well, y- what I did is I made loaner bikes. Dude, you are too nice. And I brought extra helmets. So when they go, "I don't have a bike," I go, "I have a loaner." "I don't have a helmet." "Here's a helmet." 1:08:28 [laughs] They're all, uh, I'm all- I don't have an excuse... no way you're afraid. No excuses for fun. No excuses for fun. You can say you're afraid and not do it, and I'll accept that answer. 1:08:36 [laughs] If you don't have the equipment, I'm giving you the equipment. So, you know, I just make sure that people don't have any excuses. You really have to drag people kicking and screaming to a good time. 1:08:46 And so, you know, it, it's hard sometimes to, to do, put all the legwork behind an event and then have to sell it so hard, you know? Well- Man... we're gonna, we're gonna put our toe in the water and see if we can't, uh, 1:09:02 get some people to come out and, uh, join us in the kind of fun that you have been a, a perfect example of starting. So thanks for coming on the show. And we will, uh-- No problem... we'll, we'll definitely be in touch. 1:09:16 All right, cool. All right, have a good evening. Take care. Later. Thanks, Paul. All right, bye. You're welcome. Oh. Talk to you later. Y'all. Bye. Vintage Mountain Bikes. Yeah. 1:09:32 So do any of you have a vintage mountain bike? Yes. Not anymore? Yes, once. [laughs] Once. Did it turn into a carbon road bike, a carbon cross bike, or a- It turned into a Farley 8. I sold my- Oh... 1998- I'm sorry. 1:09:49 [laughs]... Cannondale F2000, which I suppose by his standard is not vintage. Yeah. But I did... Let's see. I did have... What was it? It was a Jazz. Jazz. [laughs] Uh- Oh, was it like neon yellow? It had fleck. 1:10:04 It had- Like triangles and shit? Yeah. Oh, it was splatter paint job? Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. Splatter paint job and Jazz. Super nice. 1:10:09 That was my first mountain bike that I bought with my own money when I was in seventh or eighth grade. Did you wear Zubaz when you rode it? No, I wasn't fat enough to wear Zubaz. Okay. 1:10:17 [laughs] They would just slide off me. [laughs] You have to be f- [laughs] You have to be fat to wear Zubaz. [laughs] They were elastic, and if you didn't have enough to fill out the elastic- Yeah... 1:10:24 it would just fall right off. I just thought you'd just wear like a smaller size. Yeah. I don't know. They didn't make smaller sizes. Oh. All right. Yeah, how about you, Chris? Do you have a vintage mountain bike? Uh, 1:10:34 not really. I mean, I've got some that we have at the shop that technically I own, but- You guys are gonna have to garbage pick. Well, you won't have to garbage pick, but you'll have to cherry pick that. Yeah. 1:10:44 And what, what, what's your, uh, what's your vintage mountain bike? I've got my, I've got my first mountain bike, which was a Performance M704. Uh-huh. Green and purple. Uh-huh. 1:10:54 Also have my JC Higgins, uh, uh, it looks kinda like the Schwinns. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. All chrome, uh, flipped upside down bars. I love that bike. Nice. That would be, uh, it's probably the, the super vintage 1:11:10 bike, but, uh- I have a '88 Mountain Klein that, that was Klein's first model before the Pinnacle. Was that the one hanging in the, the Seinfeld in the background, the Klein? No, that wa- that was a Pinnacle. Oh. 1:11:22 All the, the neon bikes. So this bike came as a, like a s- true fire engine red, but it cracked, so they took it back to the factory and they repaired the crack, and then it came back as like candy apple red. 1:11:37 So it has the, it has a Klein one piece bar stem. Um, so 1988. It has a U-brake on the chain stays, so, and cantilevers on the front. So that is my vintage MTB. 1:11:53 And I know that I, there's a lot of people in Wisconsin that have those old Antelopes sitting around that they might have turned into a commuter, et cetera, but they all accept 2.0 knobbies as well. 1:12:08 So I think that people, I think people would be into it, 'cause Kettle Moraine, you can ride it on any bike. Oh, yeah. 1:12:16 I think that it's gonna be one of those things where you're gonna wanna have tools and because [laughs] shit's gonna break. 1:12:22 [laughs] People are not gonna test it, and a couple people are gonna go out with 20-year-old r- uh, inner tubes or 20-year-old rubber. So it, it could be a race of attrition. 1:12:32 But I could see doing like a point to point on the connector, um, type of, type of ride where that would be fun, and it would be arduous. Oh, that would be a blast. So- Yeah... 1:12:45 uh, we already have a sponsor that wants to sponsor the event, so if we do it at Kamrock, Kamrock Sports is gonna be behind it, so- Would it be just vintage or vintage and clunker? I mean, 'cause, like, how would you... 1:13:00 Again, like what he ran into, what Paul ran into with the, the problems of when are you gonna define- I wanna have the loosest definition possible... are you gonna let, leave it on the honor system? Just honor system? 1:13:09 Because I think- Pre-2000. Let's cut it off at the millennium. Well, or like- Can I just say-... 1:13:14 what if somebody just like, whatever, rocks through the course, they win it, and at the end you just say, "Well, you know, no, sorry, you ran it on a newer bike and you suck"? 1:13:22 [laughs] Well, we make the rules, so-Fuck it. Yeah, it- I don't know, I'm just- [laughs] I'm just- Maybe that can be one of the rules. The rules are that the rules are fluid. Well, I've got my new- Yeah. [laughs]... 1:13:33 my newer transition plumber. [laughs] Rules are we're not really giving a million-dollar prize away- [laughs]... so maybe the person that comes, no matter what kind of bike they ride, if they have the most fun- 1:13:45 Biggest smile wins There you go. [laughs] Awesome. That's a good idea. Well, the next cat that comes through the shop with an antelope, I'm offering him 20 bucks for his bike. [laughs] Sweet. 1:13:56 I would, I would- Those were nice bikes, made in the USA... what's that brand? And nothing runs like a lope. [laughs] Like a cantaloupe, I mean an antelope. [laughs] Nice melons. All right. 1:14:07 So, uh, the f- final segment that we have going here- Oh, you know what, though? I have- Should we- I don't have any vintage mountain bikes, but I have a, like a vintage mountain bike story. What? Oh, yeah? Yeah. 1:14:19 Please, please. [laughs] Um, so let's see, what was it, around 2009, the missus and I, before we have children, decide to do a little trip out to Burning Man, 'cause we're- Nice... kinda radical people like that. 1:14:33 And, uh, prior to that summer, we meet this cat through a mutual friend that's like, "Hey, I got a place in Lake Tahoe. You're going to Burning Man. 1:14:41 Stop by my place, you know, and, uh, it could be a staging ground, and blah, blah, blah." Okay, cool. So we do that. We roll up into his joint. Um, we'll call him Benji. Uh, no, I'm sorry, that was actually his name. 1:14:55 [laughs] We'll call him Lassie. [laughs] We can bleep that out. [laughs] Yeah, yeah. We'll do that. So, uh, anyway, this cat, you know, he deals in fine goods, we'll say, you know. Mm-hmm. 1:15:13 It's fine. And, uh, he spent most of his time perusing th- uh, Craigslist for vintage mountain bikes. He was, like, really into all these vintage mountain bikes. Mm-hmm. 1:15:24 So as a thank you to letting him stay in his place, I tuned up, like, all his mountain bikes. 1:15:28 He had, like, 10 of them there or something like that, and got them all set up and working real nice, and even let me borrow a, uh, nice beach cruiser for the event, and- Sweet. Yeah, it was cool. For Burning Man. 1:15:40 I mean, the funny part was he was, like, totally overweight and had gout in both of his feet and never rode a bike ever. [laughs] Wow. [laughs] But he liked vintage mountain bikes for whatever reason- Mm... 1:15:49 so we had a reason to connect there. 1:15:51 And, uh, the funny part was when we got back, we come back after the event and, you know, with a big dusty camper and everything we're trying to clean out, and his, uh, girlfriend, or no, it was his sister, was this kind of like nutso chick, hot chick, but just [whistles] you know- Mm... 1:16:09 whoa. And she had this friend who was equally [whistles] you know, whoa. 1:16:15 [laughs] And her friend had this boyfriend who was, like, professional wrestler size, you know, human growth hormone, just gigantic human being with, like, a Bret Michaels durag that never came off- [laughs]... 1:16:31 and, like, for the same reason, you know, had the long hair- Ooh... but, like, you know, had this sort of thought. And- We'll call him Hulk Michaels. [laughs] He was, man. This guy was gnarly. 1:16:42 And so it's, like, Monday night, and I think it was the debut of Jay Cutler against the Packers, and I watch him throw, like, six fucking interceptions, like, just, yeah, 'cause- Best quarterback the, uh- Oh, God. 1:16:54 [laughs] Best quarterback the Packers ever didn't have. [laughs] Oh, holy shit. Yeah, so that was a- Sports ball... good start. [laughs] Oh yeah, sports ball. Sports ball. Or bike ball. 1:17:03 And in the meantime, Hulk Hogan is, like, just trying to get my wife in the hot tub, and me, but I can clearly see- [laughs]... it's a ruse, you know? [laughs] Like, yeah, right, okay. 1:17:14 [laughs] And we get saved by the bell because all of a sudden their cell phone goes off, and apparently the place that was doggy sitting their pit bull somehow fried the thing- [laughs]... 1:17:24 in some sort of, like, doggy dryer. I don't know what the hell. I mean, it's California. They have suntan beds. Might've been a tanning bed. It could've been. I don't- [laughs] But regardless- What the shit? 1:17:35 [laughs] The dog was fucking smoking, and they were pissed, and stormed out of there, you know, door slam, bam, probably 90 miles an hour back to LA. And whoever was on the receiving end of that counter, boy- Boy... 1:17:48 when the Hogans showed up- Ah... it was a hoo, hoo, hoo. Doggy microwave. Yeah. So Burning Man. That's my-- Yeah, three times I'm a veteran. Oh, man. Hell yeah. Jesus. Yeah. That's gotta be so cool. It's the greatest. 1:18:01 That's what I'm telling you, there's- It's so great... I, I always wanted Gnomefest to be like Burning Man, even though I've never been. It probably is. I mean, Burning Man is a little bit of everything- Yeah... 1:18:11 so there's probably some Gnomefest action going on out there. You can- All right... pick and choose. You just, you just made me feel better about myself. Hey, I think we should take a Tucker- Are there-... 1:18:19 sponsored field trip this summer. [laughs] [laughs] Do a little broadcasting. Mm-hmm. Whoo. [laughs] This is the, uh- Live on the scene. We've lost Dave. [laughs] Dave is gone in the desert and has not returned. 1:18:31 [laughs] Someone gave him peyote. Oh, goodness. Oh, peyote. [laughs] Speaking of, speaking of peyote- Speaking of tea and buttons... the, uh, the next segment on the little list of things- Mm-hmm... 1:18:48 that this computer thing that keeps- We have a to-do list? Yeah. On our, next thing on our to-do list is the Black Ribbon safety meeting. Well, should we do a break first? Uh- Do you wanna-... 1:18:57 just cram in some commercials? Yeah- Which next?... we can cram in a commercial. [upbeat music] I have different nexts. This is the Black Ribbon Bike Hour. 1:19:13 Resistance is futile. 1:19:19 [upbeat music] You're tuned to the Black Ribbon Radio Hour.And we're back. 1:19:53 And we're back with the Black Ribbon Safety Meeting. Gomez. So today we have a film strip, ladies and gentlemen, because, uh, we basically didn't write anything for this segment [laughs]. Yes. 1:20:05 But this is a kick-ass film strip, educational in the subject of bike fun, so watch this. Well, watch it, do that, and be safe. [laughs] And if that doesn't- Build your own bike out of a two-by-four and a roller skate. 1:20:23 Yes. And try not to die. And wear a helmet. Right. And don't die. Yes. Our show this evening has been brought to you by the bikes, parts, and chaos of Surly Bikes. Learn more at surlybikes.com. 1:20:39 [outro music] You've been listening to the Black Ribbon Bike Hour, a production of Fat Bike Radio broadcast on Pirate Cycling Network. Check us out at fat-bike.com or i-tunes.com. Oh wait, no, it's just itunes.com. 1:20:56 [laughs] Boom. Boom. Boom. 1:21:04 [outro music]
